I'm still here...

ok so it has been a few months since I sat down to update this little bloggy so I will give you a short and sweet break down:

July 4th- Mike popped the question. I said HELL YES. Wedding June 23, 2012.

August 8- I went to SD to visit Mom while Mike had an interview in Pasco, WA

August 20- Mike got the job in Pasco!

LET THE MOVING BEGIN

We rented a truck to move our life, we painted the HBG apartment, took a trip to WA to rent an apartment, flew BACK to PA, packed up my Escape with the REST of our stuff and drive across the country while pulling a Uhaul and a cat.

Got to WA on Sept 9th.

Mike started his job on Sept 13th

I started my job on Sept 21st.

I was hired as an on call in the cosmetics department at Macy's. I was put into Clinique and made fast friends. Then just this week I got a promotion and got a counter manager job at Benefit Cosmetics. I LOVE it! I had no clue I would love this job as much as I do. The people are great, the job is engaging and entertaining. I get to play with makeup and make women feel beautiful.

This area of the country is strange. There is not much to do, and there are very few trees and very little arts. But the people are amazing and that is what matters.

And no, I am not doing theatre. And to be honest, I am more than ok with that. I needed to find something else inside of myself that would drive me. The last 2 years burned me out and I am not ashamed to say that so here I am at the cusp of a great career and I could not be happier.

So there we go, Mike and I are happy and we feel so blessed to have the life we do.

I will be better at updating this... since we are way over here, I should take more time to update everyone. :)

freak OUT, la freak so chic

I often go to my blog intending to write a fast paced, heart warming, funny, quirky, endearing blog post. But it never really happens that way. I also end up second guessing myself and feeling that that what I have to say is more than likely dribble and not worth the effort.

Also, in the past blogs have gotten me in trouble. I use them as they are intended, and I say what is on my mind, and then people, friends, family get mad and offended or disappointed in me. So now I find myself being censored by no one but myself. I am scared to piss people off I am scared to make people think less of me based on my feelings...it seems silly.

But I am getting to that point where I want to say F YOU! So from now on I will say what I want to say, and when I want to say it.

Right now I want to say that I think I had my first panic attack. Couldn't breathe, heart going a mile a minute. sweat, then the storm of tears? Yeah I had it all. I am really good (or so I think) at hiding the fact that i do NOT have it all figured out and I do not have it all together. I don't know WHY I feel that I always need to have it all pulled together, but I do. And right now it is biting me in the ASS.

As we are still on the search for our own little corner of the world I become more and more stressed out. I am relying on Mike to find a job then I will go where he goes. For some reason I am having a problem telling people this, I am finding it hard to tell people that for the first time in my life I am moving for love and future and not for theatre. I feel like I am cheating on theatre. And I feel like women look at me and think, "poor girl, following her man..." Cause in all honesty, that is what I would have thought 2 years ago. I know that we both have both of our best interests at heart, thus we both knew he would not pursue a job in Alabama (no offense Alabama pals!) We are trying to keep the job / life hunt to places we would like to be.

Right now that place is WI. It USED to be Minneapolis, but the job search was not fruitful, so we expanded and we are now looking at a LOVELY job in a LOVELY area of WI. They flew him out this week to interview, it went well, but he is trying to play it cool and I, well, cool is not in my vocab, neither is go with the flow. So I am freaking out. I now WANT to live in WI. I now WANT to live near some of my best friends... I do not want to redo the plans, AGAIN!

If I have to, I know I will, but right now it seems horrible and daunting and depressing.

So here I sit with high hopes but the fear of impending doom. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling useless and I hate feeling like a "typical woman".

So if anyone has any tips as to how best to chill out, without becoming an alcoholic, lemme know.

kay.

thanks.

cha cha cha changes

So Sunday is our last day with Dakota. We feel blessed that we found someone to take her that has a farm and other animals and more room for her to roam, but I still can't help but feel a sense of failure.

This is MY cat, hello her name is Dakota, she sleeps on me, she meows when I leave the room, she is mine. And I can't handle her. Man, it makes me feel like shit. I know this is the best for all involved but like said, I feel like I failed.

Also, Saturday is my last day at Gamut

Mike is interviewing for THE job tomorrow

Our road trip is in a WEEK

I have a lot on my plate, no wonder my lack of sleep.

I am so grateful for all that is happening for the good, but I am trying so hard to put the difficult into perspective.

life and birthdays.

I have not posted a post of worth recently because there is so much going on in my little life that I am so excited about that I feel like I need to keep the happenings close to my heart because I am scared to jinx any of the good stuff, I really am. But know that in this next week my life is going to change drastically on so many levels for so many different reasons.

I can say that my birthday was yesterday. Number 27. It took me 27 years to realize that I am not a huge fan of my birthday. It brings up too many bad feelings and too many buried thoughts and ideas are brought to the surface. I know that most people love celebrating the day they were brought into the world, but I don't. I just don't. I have planned many birthday celebrations for myself in an effort to keep my mind off of my emotions, but this year I didn't and my did I feel it. I am able to appreciate and love all of the people who wished me a happy birthday, around 80 wishes on facebook, I realize how lucky I am, I do, but it's hard to change 27 years worth of emotional distress quickly.

So there ya go, my birthday sucks. So from now on I will celebrate on a different day and use the 18th to feel what I need to feel.

scattered

In the last couple of days I have felt very.... limbo like. I am finally realizing that I am leaving this place. I am no longer writing everything down on my calendar at work because it doesn't affect me. And I write down EVERYTHING so it is VERY strange. I am hearing about things happening in the next month, and I think, well I can't commit to anything because I might not be here. Then I feel scattered because I want to leave this place better than when I came in. It's just a strange feeling goin on inside me. I am seeing all of these things here that I will miss desperately and it makes me sad...

Ug, I can't form sentences.

I am scattered and I feel out of sorts (whatever that means)

Thinking about them.

Miss Sarah


TMH

JaMina

(mj)

I think I spend 75% of my time missing people. Over the past couple years the fact that I have amazing people in my life has become very apparent to me. And then the fact that most of these people are hundreds of miles away from me makes me feel.... cut off. I know that this move will hopefully bring me closer to some of my special people, but it will also take me away from special people.

The beauty of theatre is making friends all over the country, and the down fall of theatre is, making friends all over the country. You become very good at making fr

iends and you

become very good at saying goodbye to them and trying to maintain friendships over hundreds of miles.

I KNOW how lucky I am to have such special people in my life, but I also know how far away I am from them most of the time. Why can't we all live in one city? In the same building? That would be amazing!

I ADORE my friends. I ADORE the people that are in my life! I just MISS them. Sometimes so much it hurts. It's hard to always look on the bright side when the only way you interact with your special people is through faceboo

k, texts, phone calls, and skype.

Once again, PLEASE INVENT TELEPORTATION! The world is ready.

Molz

Erin and CAROL

PHILLIES!!!!

Here is a picture of my baseball boyfriend, Raul Ibanez. I love his batting stance... it is so wonderfully awkward.

I am in love with the Phillies. I love MLB. I love going to games. I love knowing the players names. I love knowing who is good and who is sucking. And I love the Philly Colors... so classic.

I would not have thought that I would become a baseball lovin girl, but I AM!

We are making this weekend FULL A PHILLIES! So needless to say I am SUPER pumped to head back to Citizens Bank Park!

LET'S GO PHILLIES!

so it begins...

25 days.

25 days till I am done at Gamut.
25 days till I am unemployed
25 days till I can officially start freaking out.

Ok here is what I have learned about myself through this whole moving, job search, life changing process. I am TOTALLY right brained. But I LONG to be left brained. I long to be better organized. I long to put things away where they belong, I long to have the fore thought that the left brainers do. But I am NOT left brained. I think I only have one side, and it is the right side. The left side it just there to keep my head balanced on my neck. So in my longing to be a lefter I freak myself out and I forget that I need to go with the flow and I forget that I work better under pressure and I deal with pressure well. I forget that when things are too neat and tidy I feel smothered and bored. Why do I want to be something I am not? It is only causing me pain and anxiety.

So here I am 25 days away from a MAJOR change in my life and my right side is sayin BRING IT ON! But the left side that won't go away is saying PLAN, FREAK OUT, ORGANIZE, MAP OUT YOUR LIFE!

Shut up Lefty.

Shut up.

So, what is a right brained girl to do? Right now, I am eating carrots and hoping the crunch will take out some anxiety.

Also, as much as I want to move to the Minni-Apple, it may not happen.... the midwest move will happen, but it may not be Minneapolis. Which is yet another topic for my crazy brain to dwell on.

Glee

So, a lot around me is changing and swirling and... well... changing. I know that the last post was about Lost, and this one will be about Glee. Like I said, I am an emotional creature.

The last 2 weeks of Glee they have explored the relationship of Rachel, Lea Michele and her biological mother, whom we now know is Shelby, Idina Menzel. Last week we saw that Shelby was looking for Rachel and slipped a tape of her singing I Dreamed A Dream into Rachel's baby stuff and now this week, they met, and also decided it was too hard to be together, so they will think of each other fondly from a far.

I am not going to get into the story, because frankly it is WAY to close to home. But I will say that my adoption story has been pretty well played out on Fox for the last 2 weeks. It has been hard, and enlightening to watch but it has given me a sense of "normalcy". There is so much of our story in that story line, there is so much they said that I wish I could have said. There are so many moments that I wish I had. The simple act of singing together, shared dream. So if you watch this show and think... how far FETCHED! Two actresses separated by one degree coming together in drama and talent, singing Les Mis, longing for things that are no longer graspable. Yeah, it happens. It's happening. And it hurts, every, single, day.

So if I were to give one person a hug right now, it would be her, then it would be Glee's creator Ryan Murphy.

I am an emotional creature...

I am aware that getting emotionally attached to a television show sounds pretty insane, but I do it. And so do millions of others. On Thursday I bawled like a BABY at the Grey's season finale and tonight I expect to jump out of my seat at the Lost series finale.

I become attached to the characters, I become addicted to the story, and I admire the acting. So yes, I will take any smack ya have to give me. But for the next 4 hours of my life I will be sitting on the edge of this sofa and I expect to gasp at least 15 times and say OH MY GOD at least 20 and cry at least once.

It's the end of an era..... and yeah, it kind of makes me sad. That does not make me less of a person, it just makes me emotionally involved.

SO SUE ME!

Jellicle Cats...

Jellicles do and Jellicles can
Jellicles can and Jellicles do
Jellicle cats sing Jellicle chants
Jellicles old and Jellicles new
Jellicle song and Jellicle dance

Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats
Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats
Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats
Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats

Practical cats, dramatical cats
Pragmatical cats, fanatical cats
Oratorical cats, delphioracle cats
Skeptical cats, dispeptical cats
Romantical cats, pedantical cats
Critical cats, parasitical cats
Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats
Statistical cats and mystical cats
Political cats, hypocritical cats
Clerical cats, hysterical cats
Cynical cats, rabbinical cats

So as the cat mom of 2 cats, I have learned a lot. First, not two cats are the same. Second, not all cats get along. Growing up we always had cats, we put the cats together and then eventually they ended up getting along. Even Jax, the cat Abby and I got for our mom. He was an only cat for YEARS and then I decided to get a kitten when I was in an apartment that didn't allow it, thus I had to give the cat to my mom and it was then that Jax got a friend. They were enemies for 3 days, and now they clean each other and wait for the other one to get fed so they can eat together. So I blame my history when I assumed that if you took things slow enough you could make any two cats get along. Well THESE two cats are very very different.

We took our time, we read up on HOW to get cats to like each other... we did it all by the book. They spatted a little, but not too bad. Then about 4 months ago Dakota started peeing everywhere except the litter box. We were told it was bladder crystals. Well either we were lied to or it cleared up. She no longer has crystals. But now what she DOES have is behavioral issues. Her and the other cat are NOT buddies and that lack of friendship is now causing her to spray (yea, females cats do it too WHO KNEW!!). So now, we have to keep them separated, in a one bedroom apartment. Dakota has the living room, Kory has the bedroom. And we have to spray the areas she HAS peed in with an enzyme spray and claming spray.

AND, just to make sure I am a TRUE crazy cat lady, we got Dakota a leash and harness so she can go outside and roll around in the grass and get in touch with her wild side. I guess the outdoors calms cats. sheesh.

AND we can't yell at her or scold her because that just makes her more nervous.

UGGGGGGGG!!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGG!!!!

She is a very cute cat who loves everyone, WHY is she messed up in the head?!?!

it's going to be a long time till I am willing to have a human child. This is crazy. Cats are supposed to be easy.

Death and Taxes

2 things in my life this week. Death and Taxes. AWESOME. I got a peach slip in my mailbox saying I missed the delivery of a certified letter that I HAVE to sign for from CTCB. What or WHO is CTCB? Well thank you google. CTCB is Capitol Tax Collection Bureau. AWESOME! Soooo I paid my taxes, no worries, but when I comes to PA local, state taxes... I suck! I paid the state one... like $140.00. But there are these local ones that I guess you needed to search out and then give money to? Like a school tax? Well I paid a 2008 school tax, the FULL amount when I wasn't even here 6 months. Then like 3 months after paying the 2008, the 2009 came, well then it came again, yeeeeeeeah didn't pay it. I THOUGHT I did like a few months ago, but some research shows I did not. AWESOME. So I am sure they are OUT TO GET ME and make me fork over like $200.00. I AM POOR! Gah. It's just that anything to do with taxes, especially with these new tax commercials... saying WE WILL GET YOU NON TAX PAYERS... I get scared. Who can comfort me? Mike is telling me they can't arrest me.... yet. wow, thanks babe. So tomorrow I will pick up this stupid letter and then figure it out. I may have to sell a kidney. Is anyone in the market for a kidney? Or does anyone know of a fund for mindless, penniless actors who forgot to pay a school tax (which PS is stupid... the HBG school system SUCKS! and I got INTO these stupid schools and perform for these stupid kids, how are they going to benefit from my $200.00?!)

ok enough venting. I know I have to pay it. Death and taxes. Thank you God.

May sucks.

Tuesday Mornings...

Tuesdays are my Monday's since I have Monday off. So usually Tuesday mornings are not a welcome sight. SOME Tuesdays (like this morning) we had an earlier call to prepare for Macbeth. So once again, another thing to add to the yuck that is Tuesday. So this morning Mike gets up before me and then comes into the bedroom and shakes me while saying BABE! BABE! So I pull myself outta my slumber and he then tells me the screen in the dining room was ripped open. I then start to think, someone stole something, but he continues to tell me that he can't find our kitten, Dakota. Awesome. Happy Tuesday. Oh, and last night Dakota's collar (which is the reasons she was brought back to us the FIRST time she escaped had come off and we didn't but it back on her...coool) So I couldn't stay home because like I said I had to perform in Macbeth. Thankfully Mike stayed home to continue the search. He then went to Target to get more black ink so he could post flyers. So he goes to post the first set of flyers and what does he find? Dakota! Under the steps in the next building over. Cold, wet, but alive.

Seriously! This cat is like Spiderman!!!! She is an escape artist! And she is going to give me gray hair AND ulcers!

ug.

arg.

cats.

I am not looking forward to children.

Home

This last weekend took me home to SD for my Grandpa's funeral. It wasn't totally unexpected but it was still a very hard weekend. The funeral was beautiful and was very Grandpa. So many people were there to share memories or give hugs, it was a very wonderful tribute. Every time I venture home I am amazed at the lifestyle and the people. Just sitting on a porch for 20 minutes drinking coffee on a Friday morning and not seeing another soul, is totally foreign where I now live. I am always taken aback at how many people I know in my hometown and how I can never go anywhere without running into someone I know. It is like a gift. This weekend was very hard but at the same time very renewing. My Grandpa was a "good ole boy" and his lessons will forever live in me.

So, with Grandpa in mind I came home to PA and I had a new sense of family and love, and hard work. Mike and I are still in the middle of the Minneapolis move. We have hit a couple of hurdles, like losing out on a fantastic job, and kind of being out of options for jobs for Mike. So we are committed to moving to MN, but maybe we can't be IN the city just now. Maybe Mike needs to get a great job outside of the city and get some experience and work at a great company. So we are figuring out how to bend. The most important part is that we are together. Growing up is tough. I feel like I am making decisions that will impact not only me, but Mike and our future family. It's tough, and tricky. I know that many people are going to want to give their advice and some people are just going to want to judge. We just have to stay strong and work towards the big picture.

I wish there was a road map for all of this, and I also wish I had a genie in a bottle, OR an easy button. sheeh.

a new leaf

Last week I decided to make a huge change in my life that has been a long time coming. I decided to join weight watchers. This is not something I am totally ok announcing to everyone because I feel as if it is admitting a failure. Up until now I have failed to keep myself healthy I have failed to control food and I have failed to help myself. It took me a LONG time to get to be ok with who I am and how I look. And I believe I am truly ok with myself, and thus I feel like this is the perfect time to do it. I am doin this more me, and no one else. I can't quit this, I can't stop this I can;t give up. I want to get to my goal weight for so many reasons and none of them are to be more liked. I don't want people to think I am doing this because I don't like myself. That is not it, I want to be a healthy version of me. I want to lose about 100 pounds. I know this is not going to come easy and I know this is going to take time, and I am ok with that. I just know that a year from now I want to be a TOTALLY lighter version of myself.

I am lucky because Mike is in it with me and he is totally on the boat of let's eat better.

I guess I am just really scared of failure and I am scared of self control, which I have very little of. I need to think about this as a lifestyle change. I realize that I am not one of those women who can eat anything they like and still look the same, I hate it, but I'm not.

So needless to say I am like to start a lot of journeys at once..... I like to multi task.

Success

I feel like I finally have TIME again. It is an odd feeling, but so wonderful!

Melissa and I are doing workshop with CASA (capitol area school for the arts) students this month and it has been great just sitting back and talking with these high schoolers. They make me think about my career and my path and they make me realize how different all of our paths are. Today I heard one of my favorite quotes again, We all have our own definition of success. I feel like finally I am able to sit back and see how MY definition has changed in the past 2 years. It has changed completely. But I think it has changed into something that I have finally chosen. I realized this morning that this move to MPLS is the first move I have CHOSEN to make. The first move I have decided on. It is a crazy feeling. It is scary as well, going into a new city without a job, but I am so confident that this is the right decision. We all have different paths and it is not up to us to judge, it is up to us to support. Support those who are doing what their heart wants and support those who are following THEIR definition of success.

Saturday night? What is that?

So for the first time in AGES I am home, on the couch, on a Saturday night. It is amazing!

So here are the newest Minni-apple Move updates:

Mike flies out of HBG on May 2nd for a face to face interview on the 3rd. He will be there all day getting a huge tour and meeting people. He had to fill out a HUGE personality/math test... sounds like fun huh? I am just PRAYING this goes through.

Before then I need to buy him a new shirt and tie combo.... he needs help.

AND...

I think we need a POD. Those huge metal boxes that you pack up and they move your stuff for you. But all I know about these PODS are just that, metal boxes and they move them... we need more info.

Also.... who wants to paint our walls?! I sure don't. Yuck.

On The Move

So since the big move to Minneapolis is coming I thought I was try to dedicate the blog to the joys, stumbles, lessons, and hurdles that a big move brings! So here we go.

Never have I made a move like this as a "big kid". All I have done up until now is pack up all of my stuff in my car with the promise of a contract and go.... this time it is different. There is so much to think about. And this time around I have STUFF! Well, WE have stuff. Mike and I have a life together and we are packin er up and movin er out... there is a whole LOT to think about.

We know we can't move until Mike finds a job because no matter HOW much I make it will NEVER be as much as him, so he is the bread winner... I am the bread eater, so it all works out. He has an exciting possibility on his plate right now. A face to face fly out to MPLS is in 2 weeks. So that is SOOOOO exciting!!!! We are not pinning all of our hopes on this one AWESOME job but my GOD, he might have a KILLER job in less than a MONTH! Ahhhh!

Ok so now we are thinking about homes, condos, cardboard boxes etc. We think that we need a real estate agent because we think we want/need/can afford a condo. But I still feel like I am 12 and how can a 12 year old hire a real estate agent?!

And then, do we hire a moving company? Do we rent U Hauls? PA-LEAZE!!!! What the heck! And then... we have 2 cats.... who are both kind of crazy, how do we move them.

SOOOOO, stay tuned blog lovers.... HERE..... WE.....GO!!!!!

Not Yet Dead....

So it had been since November. Wow. My blogging skills are NOT top notch. So here is a breakdown of the top stories in my life since November:

-Richard III was a huge hit and a joy to be in

-I chopped my hair off, it was traumatic and the girl who did it must have picked up scissors for the FIRST time that day.... I found a different stylist at SASS SALON in Mechanicsburg (Lauren, love her) and she has fixed me and I fell in love with her.

-Christmas was great! Mike and I's first Christmas together, it was sweet. Christmas eve Dakota inhaled cat nip and hacked like a 65 year old smoker for DAYS. We learned that some cats can't handle cat nip... good to know our cat is one of them.

-New Years events were insane once again, MAN I am I glad I will never have to do that again.

-Went to SD for my January break. Went to the dentist for a teeth cleaning, did I mention that this dentist was a close friend from HS.... awkward. Anywho not ONLY did I have a cavity but she said I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out ASAP. that meant the next day. So that day I had a cavity filled, and the next day I had three wisdom teeth removed. I only had three, I am an evolved human. Spent the rest of my break on the couch and snowed in my 3 feet of snow. Thank goodness for my mom.

-Came back to HBG to kick off Snow White

-I was not in The Complete Works of William Shakespeare so I could spend time focusing on Snow.

-February-day after yesterday: life consumed with Snow White. Some things happened in between there.... like, Mike and I decided to move to Minneapolis Minnesota in August, Dakota got diagnosed with bladder crystals which makes her pee wherever she darn well pleases, Went to New Hampshire for Easter, Drove in Mid Town NYC and survived, Saw Carolyn for the first time in YEARS, She is getting married, My friend Katie is pregnant, Planned a trip to MPLS for July which will include a stop over in Illinois to see my girls.

so that leads us to today, I am trying to catch up on laundry and sleep while looking for jobs in MPLS online, dreaming of getting a dog and a condo, and feeling truly blessed. As I get older I am finding it easier and easier to recognize the negative in my life and cut it out. I am finding it easier to concentrate on the people who enrich my life and ignore those who don't, and I am finding it critical to surround myself with positive forces.

Hopefully I will update this thing sooner than five months from now..... fingers crossed.