freak OUT, la freak so chic

I often go to my blog intending to write a fast paced, heart warming, funny, quirky, endearing blog post. But it never really happens that way. I also end up second guessing myself and feeling that that what I have to say is more than likely dribble and not worth the effort.

Also, in the past blogs have gotten me in trouble. I use them as they are intended, and I say what is on my mind, and then people, friends, family get mad and offended or disappointed in me. So now I find myself being censored by no one but myself. I am scared to piss people off I am scared to make people think less of me based on my feelings...it seems silly.

But I am getting to that point where I want to say F YOU! So from now on I will say what I want to say, and when I want to say it.

Right now I want to say that I think I had my first panic attack. Couldn't breathe, heart going a mile a minute. sweat, then the storm of tears? Yeah I had it all. I am really good (or so I think) at hiding the fact that i do NOT have it all figured out and I do not have it all together. I don't know WHY I feel that I always need to have it all pulled together, but I do. And right now it is biting me in the ASS.

As we are still on the search for our own little corner of the world I become more and more stressed out. I am relying on Mike to find a job then I will go where he goes. For some reason I am having a problem telling people this, I am finding it hard to tell people that for the first time in my life I am moving for love and future and not for theatre. I feel like I am cheating on theatre. And I feel like women look at me and think, "poor girl, following her man..." Cause in all honesty, that is what I would have thought 2 years ago. I know that we both have both of our best interests at heart, thus we both knew he would not pursue a job in Alabama (no offense Alabama pals!) We are trying to keep the job / life hunt to places we would like to be.

Right now that place is WI. It USED to be Minneapolis, but the job search was not fruitful, so we expanded and we are now looking at a LOVELY job in a LOVELY area of WI. They flew him out this week to interview, it went well, but he is trying to play it cool and I, well, cool is not in my vocab, neither is go with the flow. So I am freaking out. I now WANT to live in WI. I now WANT to live near some of my best friends... I do not want to redo the plans, AGAIN!

If I have to, I know I will, but right now it seems horrible and daunting and depressing.

So here I sit with high hopes but the fear of impending doom. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling useless and I hate feeling like a "typical woman".

So if anyone has any tips as to how best to chill out, without becoming an alcoholic, lemme know.

kay.

thanks.